Bob
Bob, Environmental Consultant
"First at 4:00am, then 3:00am, then 2:00am - regardless of what time I went to sleep, I would wake up and be wide awake. I had no idea what was happening. It felt like my heart was beating about 200 times per minute, and I was wide awake. There was no chance of falling back to sleep..."
"I must be some kind of unusual mixture between an introvert and an extrovert. There are times, situations, and certain places that I fit both completely different personality types to a T.
In my opinion, it seems tied primarily to my emotional state. When I'm feeling well-rested and energized, I tend to be very outgoing and engaging. I'm an environmental consultant, and a big part of my job is business development and managing relationships with clients. I love meeting with people and getting to know what they do - the type of business they're in, hobbies, family, whatever. I just like connecting with people.
However, like anyone else, I can get overextended. When I get to a point where my list of things to do is impossible to accomplish, or I feel like I'm simply stretched way too thin personally, professionally, or both, it can lead to overwhelming stress and anxiousness in everyday life. I've had two separate episodes in my life where that stress and nervousness built and led to profound sadness.
One episode occurred about 10 years ago and took place throughout two summers. My wife and I had two boys and had just built a house. We did our own general contracting and much of the actual work ourselves. It took about 10 months, and we lived in a single bedroom with my parents during construction.
In the middle of building our house, our second son was born - about two weeks after I tore one of my achilles tendons playing basketball. It was during this same period that I received a promotion with more responsibilities at work. I made it through everything 'okay.' It was the following summer that I broke down under the pressure of trying to balance my personal time.
I'm sure work played a role. I was a people pleaser, so I was always taking on more than I could handle. What I remember most was trying to balance all the outside work of a new house (landscaping, etc.) with spending time with my wife and two young sons.
The pressure built to the point where I was waking up in the middle of the night.
First at 4:00am, then 3:00am, then 2:00am - regardless of what time I went to sleep, I would wake up and be wide awake. I had no idea what was happening. It felt like my heart was beating about 200 times per minute, and I was wide awake - there was no chance of falling back to sleep.
Usually, I would end up with an upset stomach, and I started losing weight. The combination of anxiousness, sleep loss, and no appetite quickly took a toll. It went on for several weeks, and I battled it. I did not know what else to do. I didn't tell my wife - I had no idea what was going on, just that I kept waking up and could not sleep, and that whatever chemical reaction was occurring during my heart-racing episodes seemed to affect my stomach and turn it rotten, completely eliminating my desire for food.
I eventually broke down completely. I sobbed at just about everything. I called a relative of mine who I knew had dealt with health issues and described what I was going through. I also met one time with a counselor from the church. He looked me in the eye and said, 'Bob, you're a child of God. You don't have to live under this kind of everyday pressure and anxiousness.' I started spending time reading my Bible and in prayer every day. The everyday pressure and anxiousness melted away.
Over the next 10 years, I had periodic episodes of everyday stress - busy and stressful times at work, events at home, etc., but nothing of the severe variety that leads to deep sadness like that one summer.
That is, until three years ago. I was offered a promotion at work. Life was great at the time. I was very content with my job and my personal life, and things just seemed perfect. I received a call from a colleague at work who was higher up the food chain than me. He said the office manager for my state was being let go and asked if I wanted to take on the role.
The role was also redefined to line up with new expectations established during a recent complete company reorganization. I was being asked to continue serving as a senior technical resource, designing remediation strategies, and serving as the first line of response during emergency response to pipeline spills - something I loved to do.
Added to my new role were: an increase from one staff level direct report to five project managers’ direct reports, management of company operations in Michigan and Indiana (two fixed office locations, several satellite offices, and 25-30 staff), and client account and relationship management.
I never discussed the offer with my wife. I did not take the time to pray about the offer. I didn't even ask for some time to think about it. In my mind, I thought, 'This is what I've been working for, right? If I don't take this, then what?'
I accepted the offer right then over the phone. I later found out the promotion was of the more-work variety, not the increase-in-pay kind. In essence, I took on three roles, all for the same salary I had been making, which I knew to be $30k less than the office manager I was replacing.
To make a long story a little shorter, 'stuff' hit the fan; we had five pipeline spill responses in my region that year - two of which were massive and nearly took over my life.
In addition, I was tasked with finding a way to increase profitability for a client that represented 90+% of our work in MI and IN, a client for whom we had very poor bill rates and a contract that my company had absolutely no control over. It basically boiled to cutting salaries or letting people go and finding cheaper replacements - neither of which I felt were right moves for the company based on the business development plans we had in place.
I was receiving 200-300 emails per day, and the phone was ringing off the hook for these big spills - spills that resulted in legal orders from US EPA - so the sites were very high profile with extremely tight schedules. The client said jump, and I said, 'How high?' By the way, it was the same client with the low bill rates, so I'm slaving away for them while my company is losing money and my boss is pressuring me to increase profitability.
I felt the extreme pressure with all that going on, but the return to very serious anxiousness still caught me off guard. I started waking up at 4:00 am, but it wasn't every night, and I could justify the nights it did happen. In the beginning, the periodic sleepless nights did not appear to have a serious impact on me.
I felt tired but was able to get rolling and make it through the day okay. Slowly over time, the sleepless nights began to build and become more frequent. Before I knew it, I was right back to waking up every night at 4:00am, then 3:00am, and then 2:00am, back to the rotten stomach, and back to the overwhelming feeling of anxiousness.
That fall/winter, I was able to work through it. It took several months, but eventually, we got the big pipeline spills under control. I was able to hand them off to other staff. I was only getting 2-3 hours of restless sleep each night - sometimes, I would not sleep at all.
I would lay that way with my body literally ‘buzzing’. I wasn't sure what to do. I did not want to take unnatural products. By the end of March, the weather here in Michigan started to change, and I started feeling better. By mid-April, I felt completely normal. Sleeping great all night. Full appetite. Full return of my desire for work and my family.
My first 4:00am wake up in the fall happened in September or October. I thought it was a fluke and kept grinding away. By early November, I was right back where I had been the previous November. Sitting in some expert's office, sleepless every night, pouring out my life story to some stranger in hopes for a remedy that would make it all go away. You know the story. It did not go away, and it got worse. The anxiousness and resulting sadness were worse than the first time it happened.
God was my only hope for survival, and true to His word, His mercy was sufficient, and by His grace, I lived to see that spring. Little did I realize at the time, but my manager, the one crying for better rates - that we had achieved with a new contract with that big oil client - had already begun to execute a plan to eliminate me from the company.
My role was changed. I gave up the office lead responsibilities to focus on business development and engineering support. I thought we were making significant progress until my boss said I wasn't meeting expectations for that big client and reduced my role to a PM.
Needless to say, my first sleepless night came the very next day. I had honestly thought with the loss of the office management assignment that my "pressure" level had been sufficiently reduced to avoid the relapse into serious anxiousness. Even with the unexpected kick in the %@!!$ from my boss, I was still shocked at how soon and quickly the anxiousness built.
Within a month, I sought more expert help and back on all kinds of unnatural products this time, and I considered some of them to be really hard on me. The third time proved to be the charm. I was so freaked out with anxiousness that I literally could not do my job. I would seek any relief into the world of sleep, where for an hour or two, my anxiousness and sadness couldn't touch me, and I could be at peace. Only to wake up to hell again. With agonizing clarity, I can remember the feeling of waking and for 1/2 second thinking maybe it was just a horrible dream. Then, the fear would wash over me.
I had run to God the past two winters and poured out my heart as a last resort as my anxiousness built into horrible sadness. Don't get me wrong - it's not like I turned into an animal the rest of the year. I didn't drink alcohol or do drugs, cheat on my wife, lie, or steal. I did what I felt was right. I always tried my best to be honest and a man of integrity, but my heart was never in the right place. I was never doing it for God; it was always for me. I did what I thought was right, so I would succeed and be rewarded.
My entire world changed one memorable Sunday. I was in church like I had been almost every Sunday. I had just begun to feel a little better, leading me to believe all the more that there might be some seasonal link. As I mentioned above, I had focused more closely on my relationship with God over the past two winters.
I would read my Bible and other faith-based books or books on self-help or healing (you name a book that promised help from anxiousness and sadness, and I was checking it out). However, this spring didn't feel the same. In the past two springs, I would reach a point where I would feel the weight sort of a lift. Almost like God had said, 'Okay, that's enough.' I believe with all my heart, because it says so in the Bible, that God does not tempt us.
God does deliver, and like I said, there was a point each spring where it felt God had said it was enough, and He pulled me up out of the muck.
In March, I was given my annual performance evaluation at work. For the first time in 15 years, I did not receive outstanding marks for at least a portion of my role or assignment. I expected my review to have challenges, but I was not prepared for the message that basically nothing I did the previous year met expectations.
My track record for pipeline response led to a contract with a large pipeline operator. I played a crucial role in getting my company under contract with another major oil company. When I asked about those accomplishments, I was given the wave of a hand, as if they didn't matter. I immediately requested a meeting with my boss' manager, a vice president of the company.
He was someone who knew what I had gone through and could relate to some degree because his wife had also suffered from anxiousness and sadness. He had always had my back because he knew what I could bring to the table.
I waited for several meetings for a meeting that was never to be. On a Thursday afternoon around 4:00pm, my former boss (I had been assigned to a different manager, someone who had been my peer before) asked me to step into a conference room. My new boss was there, and the VP was on the phone, as was the general manager of Human Resources.
My new boss read from a letter prepared by Human Resources. I was offered a role that was two full levels below my position and a significant salary reduction. I looked at my former boss and asked the VP what was going on. They had already discussed it, and my input was not necessary or desired. This was the offer on the table, and I should take it or leave it.
I went back to my desk and read through the letter myself. I went back to my former boss and my new boss and asked to meet again. I did not get the VP back on the phone. I reminded them of my contributions over 15 years to the firm. I wasn't cocky; my attitude was not one of arrogance. I was basically pleading with them not to do this and force my hand like this. I told them I still had a lot to offer.
My former boss just smiled and told me that they had carefully considered everything, including my contributions to the company. They felt this was the proper course of action. I have since looked back on those three years' events and recalled the stories of several employees who told of how once my boss wrote you off, that was it.
He would work quietly and discreetly and always appear to be the consummate professional. Still, he would be developing an exit plan and begin working on it. Eventually, he would get you out of the organization. I think now it may have been some kind of challenge - maybe he even enjoyed it.
I had been given the weekend to decide if I wanted to accept the reduced role and pay or take a severance package. I kept trying to justify finding a way to stay. I kept trying to convince myself that I could get back to doing what I enjoyed and what I did best - the technical and relationship management side.
My dear wife, who never left my side through all those dark days, asked me to pause and stop looking at it as a threat and try looking at it as an opportunity. It would be a significant step of faith to quit a job after just having suffered the month's long episodes of anxiousness and sadness three winters in a row. To quit a job, that even with the reduced pay, was still great pay - pay that most Americans would cherish dearly. To quit a job without another job waiting in the wings.
I was not confident in the choice to leave, but I trusted my wife and my parents' advice. I trusted the way I felt deep down inside when I thought about staying or leaving.
Back to that Sunday in April. The first Sunday after I had accepted the severance and officially had ‘resigned’ and took that step of faith, I went up to the altar during an altar call at the end of the Sunday morning service. As I mentioned above, I had clung to any and all hope of immediate healing from God of my condition the past two winters. I would alternate between clenched fists and arms reaching for heaven, like a child begging to be picked up by their daddy. The past two winters, I would pour out my heart and cry before the Lord. Tears would flow like a river from my eyes.
This spring was different. There were not many tears. I felt like I had gone too far this time. Surely God had had enough of rescuing me. I kept returning to my selfish ways, so it was time to live in the mess I had created. I had always gone up for the altar call expecting something to happen, trying to make something happen. If I just cried out, if I closed my eyes tighter, if I prayed more earnestly in the spirit, surely I'll get that feeling of release, that feeling of rescue I had felt the previous times.
Our pastor had been teaching for several weeks on finding your purpose in life - God's plan for you. It wasn't just about you; God wanted to co-labor together. He shared life stages - childhood, adolescence, becoming an adult - and how the Christian experience follows that same design.
God wants us to mature. Like little children, we must endure suffering to grow (think hot stove). Granted, not everyone follows the same path. Some of us are more hard-headed than others.
I was standing there that Sunday morning, and I just went limp. I stopped trying to make something happen. I stopped trying so hard to feel something. I just stood there and waited. I just stood there with an open heart. My pastor said these words and I'm paraphrasing, 'Someone was wondering what happened to their confidence and was trying to figure out how to get their confidence back' - that's me, always trying to go it alone - 'but it is not about restoring your confidence in yourself, it's about restoring your confidence in God to accomplish His work in and through you.' It felt like a tidal wave hit me.
Like some kind of rush of wind or water just blew right over and through me. Like something had just hit me and knocked the wind out of me. I felt the presence of the Lord all over me. He not only picked me up, but He held me in His arms. This wasn't and had never been about me. It had always been about control. Who was going to have control in my life? Was I going to go my way or God's way?
I'm not saying I'm there yet. God is still working on me every day. The single largest impact on my daily life is how I start my day. Whether I start it by giving Him thanks, by reading His Word, or if I just get about my business.
I genuinely believe that without faith, it is impossible to please God. I also believe that God expects us as humans to be good stewards, especially good stewards of our body and our mind.
Over the past 13 years, I have always kept my eye open for anything that would help my struggle with everyday stress and anxiousness. I know that my only true hope lies in God's grace and His truth, and that my personal key to avoiding the pitfall of anxiousness and sadness ultimately lies with the condition of my heart.
Not what I'm doing or how I'm doing it, but WHY I'm doing it. What is the condition of my heart? Am I seeking the Lord and doing things to please Him or just because I feel it's the right thing to do, or am I doing it because I want other people to see what I've done and think highly of me? Or am I doing it simply because I'm trying to get something in return from God? If I do this, surely God will do that. What's the expectation? Why am I doing it? What's my motivation?
As I've alluded to several times, I believe there is a natural world and a spiritual world - that there is a natural order and a spiritual order. While we're in this earthen vessel, God expects us to treat it as the holy vessel.
After all, we believe in God. He created everything. He expects us to be good stewards of our bodies and all that entails - a proper diet, exercise, and sleep. I also realize that as humans, we all have strengths and weaknesses. One of my many weaknesses appears to be my thoughts and emotions, and the havoc I can wreak on my own nervous system. God is working His plan in that area of my life, but He also expects me to do my part.
My hope is that HCF A20® will continue to help fulfill a piece of the nutrient part of the natural equation. I have only been taking A20® for a few weeks. I honestly have not felt any notable increase in happiness or sudden joy in tasks I previously did not relish. What I have noticed, however, is that it's August 26, and I still feel great. I still feel like me, but without the overbearing stress and anxiousness that I felt just three weeks ago. I'm an engineer, so I'm familiar with cycles and patterns. In the first year, I hit the wall in October/November. The second year, it was September/October. The third year, it was August/September. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the pattern. And yet, here it is, August 26.
I believe with all my heart that God is the reason. I also hope that in my personal stewardship of taking care of my mind and my body, HCF A20® will continue to deliver the amino acids and nutrients necessary to overcome the depletion of key neurotransmitters from stress and help keep me nutritionally balanced.
That is my hope. This is part of my testimony - of His story :)
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Statements made on this page by review participants are never altered in any way other than obvious substantiation or spelling errors which are always documented, time stamped with IP address, and kept on file for third party verification. All reflect real life experiences of HCF individual users and results may vary. Some participants may have received a complimentary HCF product in exchange for sharing their honest review.